Tuesday, 23 August 2011

personal sabotage?

Soo, in April, I started seeing a guy, 1st time in over 3 years for me, not through lack of attention, but through 'choice' -lack of self esteem, time, babysitters etc....
He is from my area, but stayed in America, and went back as planned. I did not expect him to call, but 3 weeks later he did, then he called at least once a week, one of these calls, he said he was coming back, just had to sell some of his stuff, but that he was coming home.
Since he arrived, I've seen him at least 3 times a week, he works long hours, wants to see me all-the-time... he always compliments me - 'ur beautiful, ur funny, ur gorgeous, u smell great' almost always followed by 'I really like u, I love spending time with u' etc, etc....
I stay at his when I finish work 2 nites a week, as its the only time we really have together, and yes, most of that time is spent asleep.
He comes to mine one night a week, I don't allow him to stay as he has only met my son 3 times so far, and I don't think its fair on son for him to come into my bed and find a guy their.
My problem is I don't feel he is being honest with me, I find myself reading his texts and muttering 'bullshit'.
I can't help it. I question in my head everything that we do or say.
I don't really understand why I do it. When I am with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been in any relationship. I'm comfy around him, I can be me. I haven't held back, scared I'll scare him away if I say something stupid or disagreeable

So why do I not really believe him? I don't get it.
Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage this?
I hope not, as I can see us growing old together, but not if I keep this up.
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  1. It is difficult I think to open yourself up and fully trust a man because when you do you are also opening yourself up to hurt! It takes lots of trust and it is very scary xxx

  2. Aww thank you Annie, I agree, it does take a lot to trust people, but I think this is a bit more than that, its as if I don't think I deserve happiness or something.... crazy what goes on in my head.