Aaaaaaaarrgh!

Contract drawn up via solicitors for 'access' to my son (I have always said all he needs to do is call for any other time)
The times are supposed to be EVERY Friday 5-7 and the last Saturday of the month 10-6. Yep. That is all he wanted.
He picks him up from nursery at 3 on a Friday and drops him home at 7. The Saturday depends on the hangover. Normally between 12 and 1 till 5 or 6.
Going with the 6 hours on a Saturday and the 4 on a Friday, that should mean 520 hours a year. To spend with his son.
The reality is less. A lot less. Probably around 400odd hours.

And he thinks he is being a great dad.
Sure, probably the greatest dickhead of all daddy dickheads.

The reason for this rant.
Tomorrow is Friday, Saturday is his Saturday.
It is also his wives birthday.
He txt to say that someone got engaged at Christmas and they have arranged a last min party in Edinburgh. Funny thing is, I got that excuse last year, oh, and the year before.
We are 2 hours away from Edinburgh, they are going to get pissed, and drive back next day. Think they can come pick my son up at 4 or 5 and drop him off at 6 as normal . Not on!
Didn't want to have him Sunday instead coz "ats new years day and u want to spend it with ur family (what, is ur son not family?*) an we'll be hungover".... they have a 1 year old!
Who my son absolutely adores, but doesn't get to spend the time with.
* family according to him; his parents, his sister, her boyfriend - who is his best mate, their 2 girls, 5 + 1. His wife, their 1 year old son, her mum n step dad, her brothers, their aunts, uncles, n cousins.

No where in all that is their a mention of my son. I'm not exaggerating this. A few of the times he cancelled in the past year alone, he has said its 'family' only yet his sisters kids have gone, his cousins kids have gone. When I speak to some of his extended family, they ask why my son wasn't their, I don't lie, I just tell them he didn't get invited.

My son has started to say he doesn't want to go to his dads, didn't want to go on Christmas day, which I had said to be from 1030 to around half 2, ended up being 1 til 2. I have to coax him into going by saying his wee brother will b there, half the time he isn't. So no longer will I be doing it, if he says he doesn't want to go, then he's not going.

I've tried. I run around dropping him off, picking him up, changing my plans to try and make sure they have some sort of relationship but not any more. 

Ok rant over. I've ran out of angry steam and I know deep down that I will still run around for him, all because my son deserves better than what he gets from them.

Nearly the end...

...of the year!
And what a year it has been!
Last January, we where knee deep in snow, I started working in Chaplins Bar.
February; I was ill the whole month, and a good way into March.
March was lost in illness and essays.
April was mixed emotions, with a great start for the owl party, but less than a fortnight later, Donna and Noah died in that fateful crash. I also agreed to go out with Gordon this month too.
May and June was lost in a few seperate day/nights of alcohol and depression, which has not abaited yet.
July; Gordon came back.
August; son went back to nursery.
September; met Gordons family, wee night in Glasgow.
had a wee night in the lodges at Cameron house

---------------

I've just found this on my drafts list. Just publishing it anyway.

we need to talk...

So we had 'a talk' and he came clean about everything.
So did I.

He didn't trust me and I didn't believe his lies.

Drawing a line under these past few months.
Starting again.

This time no secrets from either of us.
I'm scared, but can't wait to see where this goes from here.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

the girl next door

the girl next door (chapter 2 from jodi picoult's the pact, page 143)

And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but The truth in masquerade. - Lord Byron, Don Juan.

I liked this.

I like the book too. May do a little book report when I finish it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

lies, lies & more lies.

I now understand why I was acting the way I was, abt questioning if it is me sabotaging 'my happiness'...
No, I wasn't.
He has lied.
And it is major.
It is not something that I can totally ignore.
Just need to bid my time.
It has been completely thought out. Which in turn, means that their are lots if little lies.
To help the major lie be convincing.
Which also means their are many slip ups, which is what I have unconsciously been picking up on.

I have not called him on this, as it is a lot of little things, I do have a few bits of 'evidence' but if I use them, then I will look psychotic .. but if he didn't have the slip ups I wouldn't have been drawn to where the proof was, nor have a clue at the magnitude of what he has/is/was/will done/doing.

I am going to 'let it play out' and see where this goes.
My hearts door has been firmly shut, and I refuse to let it sink any further.
I will be the 'good' girlfriend, as I do like him, he makes me laugh, I smile a lot when in his company, I am me when with him, I just refuse to be what he wants from now on.
I will be able to walk away, as and when the time comes, without being the hurt one.
I'll just have lots of fun on the way.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

personal sabotage?

Soo, in April, I started seeing a guy, 1st time in over 3 years for me, not through lack of attention, but through 'choice' -lack of self esteem, time, babysitters etc....
He is from my area, but stayed in America, and went back as planned. I did not expect him to call, but 3 weeks later he did, then he called at least once a week, one of these calls, he said he was coming back, just had to sell some of his stuff, but that he was coming home.
Since he arrived, I've seen him at least 3 times a week, he works long hours, wants to see me all-the-time... he always compliments me - 'ur beautiful, ur funny, ur gorgeous, u smell great' almost always followed by 'I really like u, I love spending time with u' etc, etc....
I stay at his when I finish work 2 nites a week, as its the only time we really have together, and yes, most of that time is spent asleep.
He comes to mine one night a week, I don't allow him to stay as he has only met my son 3 times so far, and I don't think its fair on son for him to come into my bed and find a guy their.
My problem is I don't feel he is being honest with me, I find myself reading his texts and muttering 'bullshit'.
I can't help it. I question in my head everything that we do or say.
I don't really understand why I do it. When I am with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been in any relationship. I'm comfy around him, I can be me. I haven't held back, scared I'll scare him away if I say something stupid or disagreeable

So why do I not really believe him? I don't get it.
Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage this?
I hope not, as I can see us growing old together, but not if I keep this up.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Miss Turtle

Here is Miss Turtle, for Lucy Elizabeth, given as a christening present.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

square 2

I knew I would not have enough wool to do same as square 1, so tried a fancy granny square, my first time doing long stitches. It is 1 or 2 rows short :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

square 1

This is square 1 of the new blanket.
38 chain
Sc, ch1
That is all.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

lovely day...

It's been a miserable week weather wise, and today, when I'm feeling soo horrible , it is lovely... really should get the grass cut, but after eating that steak sandwich, which was covered in a creamy pepper sauce, I'm ill.

I've started a new blanket, trying to use up all my wool so I can justify buying more hehe, but I don't have much in the same colours or even same thickness....
I'll see how I go about adding pictures via the mobile so I can show u.

Have got spaghetti bolognaise cooking away in the slow cooker for tomorrows dinner, was going to be for tonight, but I don't think it will be ready in time.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

mobile connection.

Just testing if this works from the fone, if so, I have a few posts to be doing!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

In shock

http://news.stv.tv/scotland/west-central/243473-woman-and-child-killed-in-road-crash/

My beautiful, lovely friend was taking her two children to her partners parents house in Campbell town, and was in an accident with  van. Donna and her baby, Noah, died at the scene. Her daughter, Hannah, is in Yorkhill.
Norrie was already at his parents house, and I'm assuming that the police got him to Glasgow to be with Hannah.

RIP Donna
RIP Noah

40 Questions for 2011

had a wee nosey at what is on here from when i started and found the 40 questions... so im going to update it. nearly 4 months late but what the hey.

40 Questions To Answer Annually:  (lets see if i remember to do this agian next year)






1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Learn not one, but two new languages; German and Gaelic. I'm not fantastic at them both, they are both beginners classes but im improving.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I cant remember if i made any in 2010, probably not. this year it is to exercise more, get out more and earn more money.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
 No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Lance Corporal Stephen Daniel Monkhouse. one of my best friends growing up. He was killed/murdered in Afghanistan. He was a hero. he was helping to get a wounded soldier out of danger and whilst returning fire was shot in the head (from what i read). His family is going to recieve the Military Cross award on his behalf. its the highest award available for bravery.

5. What countries did you visit?
England - Grimby for Diarmaids wedding...
Spain - Costa Brava

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Tidy house.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory?
21st July 2010 - Monkey died (see above)
24th July 2010 - Diarmaids Wedding
13th September 2010 - Worst day of my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
  Not being bullied by Paul.
Raising Lyle to be very intelligent, and independant at 3 years of age!

9. What was your biggest failure?
13th September 2010 - Morgana.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Depression :(

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Dress for me as it was the first dress i bought mmyself in over a year.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Lyle's. he acts too wise beyond his years for the situation between him, his perm donor and me and her... plus his new baby brother was born in November and he loves him soo much. pity he cant go see him often.


13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Pauls. again. and hers. shocking!  
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, TESCO, Petrol.  Lyle, crafts, and a very little on me.
  
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Starting Uni and Diarmaids wedding
  16. What song/album will always remind you of 2010?
I suppose Rhianna will, as she was EVERYWHERE in 2010.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder? im a lot Happier
thinner or fatter?  im a lot thinner  down to size 12
richer or poorer? and im a lot poorer, thats what happens when ur sons dad is an arsehole and doesnt value him as much as his new son. or his girlfriend or his wedding, or his 4 holidays !
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
organisning, cleaning, and clearing out.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
moaning.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with my family :)
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
as usual my mum.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
seriously, does anyone have 'one night stands' anymore with facebook as a constant link? ?

24. What was your favourite TV programme(s)?
Fringe, Vampire Diaries, The Event

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is such a strong word, but she comes very close to getting there.

25b. What one special thing would you like to do in 2011?
get my child minding started.
26. What was the best book(s) you read?
The Millenium Trilology

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
mumford and sons. Adele
28. What did you want and get?
Sony Book Reader. (thank you mum!)
29. What did you want and not get?
Holiday just me n Lyle :(
30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Cant remember.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28. out for meal as part of christmas night with Ibfm girls.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
erm... holiday
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Random. 
34. What kept you sane?
Lyle, as corney as that sounds, but he did. (again this year)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one. 
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Election!!! flippin idiot not voting - let the torries get into power as a coalition government!!! and the dictator changed his term time form 4 years to 5!
37. Who did you miss?
Nana and Monkey (stephen)
38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
Heather Mc K from Uni... she is just fab!!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Always make time for friends, they wont always be around.

RIP Monkey.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Hyms this year...

Puffy Blanket

My pattern for this Puffy Blanket is:
Using 2 balls of wool simultaniously (it is a wool eater!!! you have been warned.)

In multiples of 3, chain to desired legnth (I done 30 lots of 3) plus 2

Row 1: single crochet into 2nd chain from hook, 2 double crochets in same stitch,
skip 2
repeat til end
chain 2 and turn
Row 2: single crochet into the next single crochet space, 2 double crochets in the same space/stitch,
repeat till end
chain 2 and turn
Row 3+: Repeat Row 1 and 2 until desired legnth.

I shall add a picture when it is finished

This would also make a lovely warm scarf. Working with 90 clusters (+2) as a measurement should give a good legnth to the scarf.

If you use this pattern, please can you link back to me on blogs and pictures (including via facebook and any other social networking site)

You can use this pattern to make to give as gifts or to sell as well, but please always link back to here
thank you and enjoy :)

Still ill....

both me and Lyle have had that horrible viral flu for 3 weeks now! Lyle is a LOT better, thankfully. It was very worrying seeing him soo ill, extremly high temp 38/39degrees! glazed look in his eyes... horrible horrible horrible.
Its the worst part of being a parent.
worse part of being a single parent?
running out of medicine/essential foods and having to take a sick child out to get more. I left the food, well grabbed a carton of milk as it was next to the pharmacy in tesco, but medicine was the main priority.

we went back to drs on friday, to get told we're on the mend, but to expect a cough that might last for upto 10 weeks! TEN weeks? my body cant cope with this cough. its horrendous! I sound like I've been smoking 40 a day for 20 years, whereas reality is, ive never smoked a day in my life. when i cough i also start boaking too.. it feels like i have a cobweb in my wind pipe that wont budge, and when im lying down, i can hear the bubbles its making when i breathe.
Hoping to get an appointment tomorrow as im not coping at all.

Lyle is perfectly fine, just has an odd cough now an again. But its not violent like a few days ago.


I had picked out some nice wallpaper for around a year now, but couldnt find any stockists anywhere! and just before i got this dam flu, i found it! John Lewis shop window! so away i goes in get some samples to take home... its £39 a roll, and it looks like i need 4 rolls for the 1 wall.

Sandersons dandelion clocks

whilst thier i found another one, ordered some samples - they still havnt arrived yet :(
its Harlequin Gardenia, and im in love!

This one is my fav! ivory. 

 

Wanted the dandilion clocks for my living room, £39 a bolt, need 4... Like the idea of the Gardenia one for my room, would only need 1 bolt @£49 (im sure that was only £36 in the shop?)... but as i keep seeing the dandilion one everywhere! on Emmerdale and Hollyoaks to name a few places... ive sort of went off it :( so might just stick with my original bedroom idea of plain white everywhere and bring color in via my bed... and get the harlequin one for the livingroom, but i do not want to pay near £200 for wall paper for 1 wall!

looking at new couch too... one of those interst free for 4 year type deals...
This one is the best couch i have ever sat on in my life! My parents have it. I want it. I NEED it!

well im going to finish this own brand lemsip, then bed, hope i get a better sleep than previous sleeps have been.

night all
xxx

I have....

Influenza....

well not full blown 'Flu, as i can still get around, just. but dopping myself up on lemsip type drinks (diluting juice with cool boiled water and a disolvable paracetamol) is making me very drowsy :(

not done much in the way of crafting.
tonight is the first ive went on the computer in over a week, only went to uni monday and tuesday, have stayed off the rest of the week sleeping!

read a few books and downloaded some music for on the trains... (uploaded some old albums i have lying around the house... kelis, pink, b.e.p, nirvana, verve, eminem, dr dre, nate dogg, zutons, christina aguleria, rhianna, JT   and loads more. im going to be a happy traveller this week :))

started a wee crafty group on facebook, we are aiming to make at least one item a month. ive done 2 egg cosys, one with wool the other with garden/packaging string, its like a plastic material...

Monkeys been in the papers a bit lately. they got him a plaque and it was unvailed the day before his birthday (i cried a lot that week), and this week his mates who where serving with him and missed his funeral due to still being in that hell hole, came to our town on wednesday and played in the town (he was part of the pipe & drums for 1st Battalion Scots Guards) they played a lament to him at his grave too....
man i miss him like crazy.


i started a new job. work in chaplins bar, every saturday and sunday night :( its ok, not too busy, i remember when u couldnt move in the place now the most ive had in at one time was 20odd people, and thats cause the bingo was on!!!


well i think im tired enough now that when i go to bed i'll actually get some sleep, unlike last night, i was shattered, went to bed with the wean, and i was asleep before 7pm! woke up at frikkin 11pm and was up till 3am! tossing and turning, went down stairs for some cold water, went to toilet, was tempted to put computer on, but then id ahve been on all night.
might even get a wee lie in tomorrow. doubt it tho.


oh wait, thiers the crazy wind starting again! its to be 13mph today :( as if the trees being uprooted and squashing cars and roofs flying off wasnt bad enough ;(



oh oh oh!
2 types of news to give.

my aunt Betty fell on ice at Hogmany, she was kept in hospital for quite a long time considering she hurt her ankle... well they where doing lots of test on her, she's had heart/lung type problems for years (smoking doesnt help they and we keep telling her), been in  and out a fair bit over the past few years.
2 weeks ago they told her she has lung cancer.
they cant operate.
wont take the chance with her heart.
suppose now its just the waiting game.

Last week i was out at her house with my mum and my cousin was thier, asking me how i lost weight, she was saying no matter what she does, she cant shift it... was complaining about this movement in her stomach... joked about looking 10 months pregnant, and that it felt the same way it did when her daughter (whos 16) was kicking her.....
no one thought anything of it.
this week she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
some sort of happy news for the family at last! (I'll go into the familys run of crappy luck another time)

now you would think, at being 39 and already having been pregnant once before, that she would 'know' or at least notice the signs...
well the thing is.. she has been STERALIZED for over 3 years!
yep thats right, steralized! and now 6 months pregnant.
Due on 23 May (or upto 4 weeks before, needs another scan to check) with a girl.

Just goes to show, even drastic measures to stop procreating doesnt work.

A wee recentish pic of the part of family in question. (I have over 80 people in my close/immediate family, this was just my mums side event, a 1st holy commumion in May 2010 for my cousin Paul's son, Betty's grandson)

Me,Cousin Angela (now pregnant), Jennifer (Angela's Daughter), Craig (Pamela's Son), Cousin Pamela, Aunty Bernie, Uncle Jim, Aunty Betty.
 
 So far the year twentyeleven has been horrible. infact from twentyten onwards.
when will it get better?


night all.

Lay a little egg for me.

Issue 28 of  'Lets Get...Crochet' has a page on doing an egg cosy like a chicken,  I found the pic on google images.










I had a wee shot at making one myself last night, start witha chain of 35 and join, check

one row of trebles.... erm ok i think

next row of trebles ... hmm, easy - i think

erm, trebles is dc in american yeah?
some halves then crochet 14 together, some halves then 14 together and join... hmmm... i have 6 left??? what have i done!

rip rip rip

start again, with less chain and it comes out not bad,
i did not like the instructions, not clear at all. and i think i am a competent pattern reader. would not recommend this pattern to anyone new to crochet.


but here is a pic or 2 of my chick, minus her eyes, i was tired when i started making this and was too tired to go looking for blue to sew the eyes on.

Lyle seems pleased with his chicken, im going to try another in a different colour so he has them for his boiled eggs at nursery.

Peter Pan

I left the seams and stitching visable, as i thought it looked better, and more like what a child left to their own devices would do

Baby Slippers

Baby Slippers, the cream are georgous!

Christmas Tree

got pattern from Crochet Today, should be a garland of trees to hang up, but I made them individually

Thank You

Made this for my sons nursery when he finished up last summer.

Jumbo Cupcake

My Jumbo Cupcake
decorated by my 3 year old son :)

I did have more pics, but they must not be uploaded to the comp yet.

Need to find cake boxes big enough to fit so I can use as birthday presents.

Getting decorated 

 

 also need to get better at piping icing

Baby Blankets

Some Pictures of different baby blankets i have done.

 This one is cream and lilac, think it was my first attempt at a granny square blanket

This blanket i made as part of my sons nursery 'world around us' thingy, they send them all off to an orphanage in romania at end of Jan.
Took me 2 weeks, i get bored very easily, so gave up rather quickly... the wool was donated to the nursery

I am rather please with the way it turned out, and i only had to buy 1 more navy wool to get it to that size.

I love this blanket, although the pictures are not of it completed. i added on little pink bows about 5 rows up, so it could be folded over or out flat and would have them as a nice border.
The blanket looks small, but it stretches out and is made to fit a car seat - the recipiant said it fits perfect in their pram

basket weave

The Basket Weave stitch i followed from TJW1965 on You Tube.
I got soo many comments about this scarf and hat that it always made me smile :)
(please excuse the mess in the background or the fact my son is a little, erm lacking in clothes.! )

Baby Booties

 My First ever pair of baby booties made, got the pattern from a knitting mag extra, cant find it now to give the details unfortunately, or to make some more!
I do find these very cute
I used a baby wool which has a sparkle going through the wool so the booties look nice and 'glittery'

 made a pair of baby high tops, but missed 3 rows that would make them taller (do'h)

Baby Blocks

 This one i sewed up instead of crochetting up, and was the first one i done, so i was really please with it

These are all knitted, think it was 16 stitches by 27 rows, then crocheted together, then i cut out letters from felt and sewed on.
i stuff with toy stuffing and in some i added a few small bells so they made a noise when the baby shakes them.

They can go in the washing machine, and so far, no one has said that they come apart.
make a great wee christening present.
and relitively quick to make (for me, a few hours spread over a week and 1 was done)